To Whom It May Concern

Smoked Human Jerky, YUMM!!

I try to get a semblance of a tan during the summer. I shouldn't really say I try all that hard, because this usually consists of me laying out perhaps 4, maybe five times, rarely longer than 45 minutes or so. I do end up tanning reasonably well, although this summer, because I'm driving for a living, I have this strange, alien like one armed tan, as though my arm leaves me and lays out when I'm not aware or something.

What boggles my mind is when it's March, like the first nice day of the year, 65 degrees or so, and you are at the grocery store, and some lady comes in wearing shorts and a t-shirt and she looks like a piece of beef jerky, all dried out and dark and nasty looking. "Pardon me for staring with my mouth wide open, but that has to be the nastiest thing I've ever seen."

Is there some sort of unknown beauty rule I don't know about in effect here? The darker, wrinklier, and dried out you are, the sexier you are, the more people will look at you and think "yah, now there is what I want to look like, 20 years older than I actually am and easily mistaken for a piece of smoked and dried meat."

About the only thing I can think of is that tanning becomes an addiction or something, or that the person doing the tanning completely loses track of how incredibly awful they look and they just keep on doing it, oblivious to becoming one with the walking dead. I'm totally torn, do I pull out a bottle of moisturizing lotion and toss it to this person to try and help them save themselves? Or do I just pull out a gun and shoot them in order to put them out of their misery? I just don't know.