Racing Lawnmowers

I drive a 1991 Dodge Daytona Shelby IROC, it has around 190 horsepower, a 4 cylinder turbo. This car is a sports car, it has a reasonable amount of power, and good torque provided by the turbocharger. What totally blows my mind, is how the movie "Fast And The Furious" has spawned thousands of idiots driving around in economy cars thinking they can race everyone.

A Honda is NOT a race car. There is only one Honda that can lay claim to being a race car and it's the S2000 roadster, and for $35,000 I think I would buy something with a lot more power and speed, like a Ford Mustang Cobra or Chevy Camaro SS. But don't tell these dorks driving Hondas around that they are not sports cars, oh god no. I don't understand it really. Most of the Hondas I see have a 1200 dollar set of rims on them, and DRUM BRAKES IN BACK... DRUM BRAKES!! I say it twice to reiterate how stupid it is. If you are going to spend a ton of money on rims, spend some time and put disc brakes on your rear wheels, I did, with two different cars. Also, the run of the mill honda has about 130 horsepower. Adding a 6 inch muffler and a cold air intake will give you, at most, an 25 horsepower. Do you really think that means you are going to go race me, or worse yet, a V-8 car? Whatever.

It gets worse. 4 door Camrys and Altimas with huge mufflers and racing rims, stickers, stripes, neon lights, all wanting to race all the damn time. Usually I just let them go, but every so often I get annoyed and blow them away. It's funny too, I've hit two deer with my car so my car looks like crap now, perhaps as they watch my tail lights disappear, they will realize that it's not looks at all, it's what you've got under the hood, that makes the car go. I think the funniest sight is when a 'ricer' (commonly used name for a pile of crap economy car with stickers and a big muffler) pulls up next to an american built SUV and gets blown away by soccer mom, who isn't even trying all that hard.

I think that anytime a new honda is sold, it should come with a lawnmower blade underneath it, because everytime I hear one of these dorks in their cars with the big muffles, it sounds like someone is mowing the lawn. This would give Honda drivers something constructive to do, obviously they can't race real cars, so they could have races to see who can mow a lawn the fastest, finally, something a Honda driver can win.

I think what says it all is this fact: no Honda car played any significant role whatsoever in the movie "The Fast And The Furious", even the S2000 wasn't really shown all that much, and you didn't see any stinking accord or prelude running around all bad ass against the real import tuner cars. Too bad ricers around here don't seem to realize that.

Driving: Lincoln vs Omaha

In Nebraska, the two largest cities are divided by a mere 60 miles or so of interstate, and you would think that all the drivers would behave in roughly the same manner, this just is not the case.

Omaha is a great place to drive. The streets are almost all 4 lane, 2 for each driving direction. Omaha drivers drive quickly, as though they have a purpose, if the speed limit is 45, it's likely the flow of traffic will be moving along at 55. They will let you into traffic, but you need to be somewhat aggressive as to nosing your way in, but it is understood and you are let into traffic when you do so. The fast lane goes faster in Omaha, allowing people to move a little quicker from place to place and get around slower drivers who stay in the left lane.

Lincoln is a complete and total disaster for driving. Good luck finding 4 lane roads, and if you do, there are trees growing within 2 feet of most roads, sometimes even in the median. Lincoln drivers drive slowly, as though there is no where they have to be and no reason to drive responsibly at all. If the speed limit is 45, it's likely the flow of traffic will go along at about 30. No one will let you into traffic in Lincoln either, the town is filled with irresponsible "better than thou" type people and that translates directly over to their driving. Don't be surprised if you will sit thru two songs on the radio waiting to be let into traffic, and if you nose in, woah, the horns go off, the finger flies up, and the yelling commences. There is no fast lane in Lincoln, because Lincoln is the home of the Side By Side Driver!!

The Side By Side driver doesn't believe in a fast or slow lane, his mentality can best be described as Borg, and all cars are part of the collective hive, and need to move along at the same rate of speed. The most irritating thing about the Side By Side Driver, is that if the person next to him speeds up, so does he, and if the person next to him slows down, well he needs to slow down too. Frustrating, aggravating, irritating, this describes any Omaha driver that gets stuck in Lincoln trying to get around this mess.

I of course enjoy nosing out into traffic, and even better, I like slowing down and letting like four cars in at a time, because nothing is more fun than pissing off slow drivers who have no reason to be pissed off because they are already driving around with no purpose to begin with, so why be mad if things are moving along even more slowly?

The strangest part about the Lincoln driver however, is that once he is on the interstate, HOLY SHIT LOOK OUT I NEED TO GO 90 MPH AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!! But, once they reach Omaha, it's right back to Side by Side, no purpose, 10 mph at least under the speed limit driving. Only now, they are outnumbered by the Klingon like drivers of Omaha, and will be dragged from their cars and killed repeatedly, despite their unsuccessful attempts to assimilate the Omaha drivers into the collective of moronic granny style Lincoln driving.

There was a time that the license plates in Nebraska had a 1 at the beginning of the number for Omaha plates and a 2 for Lincoln, but now it's random gibberish on the plates for both cities. Not that it's all that hard to tell who is who. Look for the irritated driver in Lincoln trying to get ahead of the retardedly slow traffic flow, and that's the Omaha driver. Look for the driver in Omaha who pisses everyone off so badly that he is dragged from his car and beaten to a pulp, and that's the Lincoln driver.

I hope this clears up any confusion.

The Redneck Pretender

CBS had a show on for a few years called "The Pretender", in which this rather intelligent boy named Jared was raised up by a company, and taught just about every imaginable job skill known to man. Jared escapes and lives his life on the run, searching for his real parents, and doing good deeds as a doctor, pilot, scientist, lawyer, every skilled type job you could imagine. The company that raised him chases him week after week, trying to find him, and always ends up just a few minutes behind him as Jared escapes.

I think a great idea for a new show would be "The Redneck Pretender". In this show, Joe Bob would be kidnapped from his trailer at a young age and raised in a chicken factory to be able to do a whole number of totally meaningless jobs. Of course he would escape, and week to week, Joe Bob would work as a short order cook, a gas pump attendant, pizza delivery guy, septic tank cleaner, and taxi cab driver. Those chasing him could be the reincarnation of Boss Hog and Sheriff Roscoe P. Coaltrain, always just a step behind the cunning Joe Bob and his 36 foot trailer pulled behind a 1983 Ford pickup.

It's really too bad I don't work for a broadcasting network, because an idea like this is pure gold, gold I tell ya!!

Highway Etiquette: Trucks

I drive a truck at work, a straight truck that weighs 22,000 lbs. I also drive a tractor trailer for the military. I have always had quite a bit of respect for truck drivers and what they have to deal with, and I also respect most passenger car drivers when they slip in and out of traffic responsibly in order to save time so they don't end up behind a truck. But I have zero respect for gravel truck drivers, especially the ones who drive the truck + pup trailers. These guys are like the low life of truck drivers, they have no respect for good manners or any laws of the road, be they written or unwritten. I sometimes wonder if some of them even have a license, as I watch them speeding recklessly thru traffic.

As I drive my truck, I know that in most situations it is best for me to be in the right lane, the slow lane, this allows faster more agile passenger cars to go around me and get to their destinations more quickly, especially in areas with a lot of stopping, like suburban or commercial situations. Not gravel truck drivers, they come up on a line of cars in the right lane and they whip out into the left lane, hoping somehow to trim an extra 5 seconds off the time it takes to get thru a stoplight. They do this especially if there is a truck(s) already in the right lane. What is most amazing about this is that usually the gravel truck ends up being the last one thru the light, blocking all normally faster moving traffic in the left lane, as the right lane moves smoothly along.

I realize that my truck will go anywhere from 5 to 10 miles an hour slower uphill than downhill, and I adjust my driving accordingly as to not block people in on the passing lane. Again, not so with gravel trucks, they will 'downhill drive' like crazy (45 mph up hills, 85 mph down hills), causing big time frustration to passenger cars, and even worse for truck drivers who are able to hold somewhat of a constant speed. Those truck drivers cannot pass a gravel truck going uphill and many times cannot gain enough momentum to get around them going downhill, causing at the least frustration and at worst cases of road rage, something you do not want to have happening between trucks.

Nebraska has a state law that requires gravel trucks to be tarped. But you will rarely ever see one that is using the tarp, oh, it might be on the truck, but it's very unlikely it will be unrolled over the cargo of blasting sand that pelts yours and everyone elses vehicles as you travel down the road. If you stick your hand out the window while following one down the interstate, good luck, you are likely to lose some skin. I have never quite understood why none of them are ever ticketed for this, at least none to my knowledge.

There are times that passenger car drivers do stupider things than even the gravel truck drivers do, things that make no sense whatsoever and end up with the person in the car probably wishing they had used a little more intelligence in their decision making. I was involved in just such an incident today.

I was driving my truck along Interstate 80 today at about 4:15 in the afternoon, when I made a move to get into the outside left lane, in order to join the faster moving traffic. I put my blinker on, then noticed that the car coming up was moving along at a fairly good rate of speed so I let him pass by, then began to move into the left lane. At this point my blinker had been going for about 12 to 16 seconds, there was a cadillac moving up in the fast lane, I adjusted my speed accordingly to enter the lane, and the cadillac was a good ten car lengths or better back from me at that time. This wise ass decides to speed up and actually passes me on the shoulder, driving thru gravel and all sorts of debris and within about 5 inches of my truck and the concrete barriers they have in the middle of the interstate to divide the traffic going in opposite directions. Dust and sand pelted my truck as he moved back into the driving lane of traffic.

I was completely shocked that someone would do this, especially someone in about a $40,000 automobile. not only that, but he ended up slowing down to an even slower speed than I had been going to begin with. I moved up behind him, to a point where I had a four second cushion of space, and just shook my head. About a half mile down the road, smoke rolled from under the cadillac and his driver's side rear tire exploded. Now he moved onto the shoulder for a reason. As I drove on by, I turned and looked out the window and gave the biggest, friendliest, most sarcastic wave and smile you could possibly imagine. I know, this wasn't a very gentlemanly thing to do, but in this case, I could not resist.

Moral Of The Story : Sometimes saving yourself precious seconds adds aggravating hours to your journey. Jackass behavior got jackass results for Mr Cadillac, and he should have known better than to drive his car thru the shoulder where, most likely, he picked up a pretty decent sized chunk of debris in his tire. Thankfully, no one was hurt, and I had the highlight of my day, perhaps even my work week.