Keep The City Out Of The Country

I grew up on the farm. I can remember when I was about 7 years old, for years before and a few years after for that matter, you could go several hours and not see another car on the country road between my parents house and the actual farm itself. Slowly, inexoriably, that changed as time went by, to present day, when you see a car on average about every 5 minutes or so. That probably wouldn't be so bad, except that most of these vehicles belong to people moving from the city out into the country, and rather than drive around at a reasonable 40 to 50 mph, these freaks decide that the best course of action is a wreckless endangering 60 to 70 mph.

There is an old saying that goes as such: "you are either born on the country road, or you aren't". This means that either you grew up on country roads, and learned first to drive on gravel and then on the highway, or you learned to drive on paved roads and will forever be behind on the learning curve as far as driving in the country is concerned. Now, I know what people will say when they read this, about how "I've lived in the country now for the last 10 years and I know how to drive on country roads now." Well, I have seen people that moved out to the country even longer than 10 years and they still drive stupidly. Here are some of the more common errors city drivers make in the country...

1) Cresting the top of a hill directly in the middle of the road. About as stupid as a person can be as far as country driving goes. Proper technique for cresting a hill on a country road? Move as far to the right as you possibly can and expect a car from the other direction, even if you are sure there isn't one.

2) Not scooting over or slowing down when you meet another car on the road. Again, how stupid can you be??? Contrary to what you may think, the other car isn't scooting over and decreasing speed so you can remain in the center of the road at full speed. Why is this a big deal? Not only is it really rude, a fast moving car throws rocks onto the other car, an offense that will have me slashing your tires in the middle of the night. (I'm a farm boy, my night vision is better than yours : ) heh heh).

3) Driving 65 mph on gravel. This sort of ties in with number two, and also with your own safety. I myself have done a 720 in my car on gravel, and been lucky to have remained on the road. That's my car spinning twice around, and scary as hell. On pavement, rubber tires are great, they stick to the road nicely. On gravel, you are basically floating on the road because there is actually no real contact, the gravel works like mishapen ball bearings, and the faster you go, the more chance you have of becoming one with the ditch. Also, the faster you go, the more chance you have of throwing rocks onto my car coming from the opposite direction, and *shocked gasp* more chance of your tires being slashed by some "unknown bastard" in the middle of the night.

4) Expecting farm implements to stop so that you can go past If this is your idea of proper road practice? If so, i have three words for you, GO TO HELL!!! YOU are in the smaller vehicle, so guess what? You can either scoot over and slow down or you are going to meet my 20 ton tractor head on, and guess who wins that battle? Not you, bud. Actually, nothing makes me smile with more satisfaction than being passed by a rude bastard in a big old SUV waving around the one finger at me as he passes me or when he/she is forced to slow down as I drive normally in a tractor or combine or whatever. There is no reason to get all upset about this either, because there is something you need to realize... shoulders on country roads are very soft, and when you move a heavy piece of machinery onto the shoulder, there is a strong chance it will slide off into the ditch, a way higher chance than a lighter car or SUV will, so be sensible. If you see a tractor, slow your ass down and scoot on over.

Those are the most common ones I can think of at this time. It's more than just the way transplanted city people drive that is irritating though. It's this ignorant idea that you can have the wonderful country life and take out what you don't like about it. "Oh, the cows are so beautiful" the silly city person says, immediately followed by "What the hell is that ungodly smell???". That is the smell of money, actually, the smell of enterprise, the smell of milk production, beef or poultry or pork production too. it's the smell of how things have been done for 150 years or more, and just because you move here don't expect that to change. You are going to find that smell in the air from time to time, you are going to see shit on the roads too, you are going to have to slow your vehicle down when you see farm implements, etc, etc. It's amazing how much nicer the city person with the SUV is when their SUV is in the ditch on a really wintery icy day and you are driving by with a tractor that just happens to have a chain on it, because, invariably, a farmer is going to pull you out of the ditch, that's just the way farmers are. You have to take the bad with the good when you move into the country.

I haven't ever actually slashed anyone's tires, though so help me god, the thought has occured to me on occasion. That, or emptying all the oil out of someone's engine in the middle of the night and filling it back up with maple syrup. Your car never smelled so delicious as the engine seizing and being ruined in a sugary nightmare!!!

Poor Squirrel, Stupid Bird

I don't care much for hitting animals with my car, as I've already mentioned, I have developed an intimate hatred for deer, but even running over the smallest of animals makes me feel bad, just for the idea that, whether they be trying to commit suicide or perhaps join an elusive 'survived the highway crossing' club with their fellow animals, they don't have a Twix bar on Rosie Odonnell's desk chance of surviving when a car hits them. Just the other night I tagged a rabbit with my car because it ran out directly in front of me before I could react, and I do try to avoid hitting them if I can.

But birds, well, it's hard for me to have any feelings of remorse about an animal that can fly well above a car to cross the road, but is so dumb as to test fate by crossing at about 2 to 3 feet off the ground. It's bewildering as I pluck the carcass of a sparrow from the grill of my car, as to why birds even attempt something as stupid as that when they could easily avoid being hit by just gaining altitude. Other animals are nearly always hit at night, with good reason. Take the sinister evil deer for instance: the deer tries to cross the road, suicidally and stupidly albeit, at night, and sees it's shadow, and tries to run from it's shadow. What direction does the animal run? Right at the car, into the headlights, because the shadow is all the deer sees. This goes for most other animals also, but not birds. There aren't a whole lot of birds that fly at night, a bird's sense of sight is it's strength, so daytime flying is a must (except for owls and a few others). So usually we hit birds with our cars during the day. For having such good eyesight, birds are certainly moronic for even getting hit, if it were at night perhaps I could understand it.

I am sitting here now trying to think of the total of animals I have hit over the past several years, and it's surprising me to be quite truthful. 3 deer, a cow, a dog, a raccoon, a squirrel, numerous dumb birds, a couple rabbits, a 40ish year old hitchhiker, oh, and a pheasant. I suppose I could just include the pheasant in the 'dumb birds' category, but for the fact that it's the closest I ever got to actually losing control of a vehicle because of hitting an animal. Even when I'd hit deer it wasn't this bad.

I was driving my 1984 Dodge D-50 pickup, a mitsubishi built little truck with a 4 cylinder motor. I was rounding a giant curve around Fremont, Nebraska, when out of nowhere a pheasant blasted the windshield of my truck right in front of my face. It scared the crap out of me so badly that I drove about halfway into the ditch and nearly lost control of my truck, I don't know how the windshield didn't get cracked. I can remember laughing about it but my heart was racing so hard it took me probably a half hour to calm down.

Most often when I hit an animal it is at night, perhaps I need to quit driving once it's dark out, perhaps animals are ganging up on me Kamikaze style to try and take me out, I mean, who knows? What if there is a rhinoceros or hippo out there just waiting to charge out in front of my car? I can't be too sure that someone who is trying to take me out hasn't put rhino or hippo whistles on my car, backwards... perhaps I will look over my car thoroughly tomorrow.

Oh, and I never really hit a hitchhiker, someone else had already run over him before I ever did, I swear...

I Defend Your Right To Be An Ignorant Moron

Part of what makes our country a wonderful place to be is the ability to express yourself freely, without fear of governmental reprisal, for most any opinion you may have. This certainly comes into play with Toni Smith, a subpar women's basketball player from tiny Manhattanville College, a tiny school of about 1400 students from the town of Purchase, New York.

READ FULL STORY HERE

Smith, a senior forward on the college basketball team, turns away and looks at the floor during the playing of the national anthem before every game. This has drawn outrageous criticism from all over the nation. Something to remember though is that, just as she has every right to express herself by turning away, she nor her supporters have any grounds to be upset if other people 'boo' her while she is on the court or wave flags and what not whenever she is around, for that is also their right to free speech. As a member of the military, I will fight vehemently to defend anyone's right to free speech and freedom of expression, regardless of how blatantly stupid they may be in expressing themselves.

But understand that I totally disagree with what she is doing. It makes sense though, Smith is a mediocre at best basketball player, averaging a pathetic 5 points a game, and yet somehow has a token title of 'team captain', despite making next to no contribution to the team's performance whatsoever. Smith is a sociology major, but obviously not a very intelligent one. In a statement she made reference to her disagreements with the war in Iraq, yet by turning her back on the flag it's more about turning her back on her entire nation of birth than any single political statement. Also interesting is the fact that she is turning her back on the symbol of freedom that allows her, by our flag's own representation of rights, to turn her back and express herself so stupidly.

What Toni Smith actually deserves is to be ignored, to be left out of the press, and to be left out of any sort of meaningful conversation at all, be it media or interpersonal. Obviously she was looking for attention when she did this, and that is what she got. Hopefully the media will show some sort of intelligence and just ignore Smith and see her for what she is: a half-assed dork making an ignorant political statement by blatantly displaying her own stupidity.