To Whom It May Concern

80% Chance Of Your Ass Freezing And Falling Off

7 and 2, small numbers to be sure. High temp today and low temp today. Add windchill, stir vigorously, and watch your ass fall off, that's winter here in Nebraska. There really hasn't been a lot of difference between Nebraska and the North Pole the last week except that we have barbed wire fences. I have been working a lot in this weather, we have a propane fueled blower type heater, uses electricity to turn the blower and propane to heat, but it's tempermental, and won't run all the time, that's fun... turn the heat on and start working on something then 2 minutes later the heat goes out and you have a fan blowing cold air on you haha, FANtastic!!

With the blower working though it's an uneven temperature and it's almost worse sometimes. What I have discovered though is that if I leave the fan off and just start working away in our shed, that I become acclimated to the temperature and I don't really even notice it, that is, until later that night when I come into the house and get into the shower and my feet feel like they are being stung by 40,000 fire ants. I would rather be too hot than too cold, I've never cared for being cold but I have always been able to handle the heat better than 90 percent of people. This cold has been a real drain the past week especially.

There is an old saying however, that states simply, if you don't like the weather here, wait 15 minutes for it to change, and that is very true. About two weeks ago we had a 40 degree shift in temperature over the course of about 4 hours, went from 65 to 25 degrees. But right now I'd take 25. Hell, it was 30 yesterday and that felt downright balmy compared to this 'wait for your words to unfreeze in the spring' weather that we are having now. I went out back today and peed behind the shed, and I had to keep breaking the stream away as it froze to the end of my handy hiking tool!! (Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration, it froze into an upside down icicle.)

There is about a 2 to 3 week stretch each winter where we have weather that is this cold. Then usually during the summer we have a two to three week stretch where it is above 90 degrees, too. And this isn't dry heat mind you, this is stifling 90 percent humidity, clothes melting on your back, sweat rolling down your ass crack heat. But even with that intensity of heat, I'll take that before I'll take 40 degree weather, I am just more into summer temperatures.

To break all this down, the coldest day in winter is usually about 15 below, real air temperature, where as the hottest day in summer is 105 or so. This translates to a difference of 120 degrees (wow, I'm a math wiz, I know, please, no accolades to my geniusness). There aren't a whole lot of places on earth that have this sort of ability, to be the North Pole at one time of year and Death Valley at another time, but interestingly enough I do love it here. I guess when it gets to this time of year, when the days end so early and the landscape is a bleak snow covered black and white sort of picture, I look forward to getting back to the hot days of summer, bike rides, long walks in the early hours of evening, swimming, girls in cute clothes (hey, I'm a guy who will admit certain truths you know hee hee!!).

Will I always be in Nebraska? I gave this a lot of thought the other night, just about staying here, and I realized that by staying it would mean I would never truly experience life anywhere else. Sure, I live life in other places 2 weeks at a time with the Army National Guard, but it's truly not the same. I haven't had to find all new places to eat, to take my clothes for tailoring, to go to movies, to get groceries, etc, etc. I really don't want to be 80 years old and suddenly realize, "GAL DARN MARGE, WE AIN'T NEVER MOVED NOWHERES OUR WHOLE LIVES!!" I don't know where I will go, don't know when, but I am going to be thinking about it. Perhaps I'll put up an entire map of the United States, get drunk, spin around 20 times and throw a dart into the map, and just go there.

But it sure as hell better not be Arkansas, I do not want to live in a place where I go to the dentist and I have twice as many teeth as he does.

Oh, wind is out of the south right now, and temperatures should be in the 40's for tomorrow and the next day. I better get out my swimsuit!!