To Whom It May Concern

Question And Answer Session With fraNk

So, I know people always have a lot of questions for me but they are afraid to ask. So I went to the internet and entered search string "Why did fraNk" to find some out what people are wondering about me. I picked 25 questions to answer.

Why did Frank use the word 'atypical' in casual conversation?

Because I am inherently smarter than you, my plethora of colorchromatic verbal interaction transcends your feeble intelligence level.

Why did Frank take the steam ship from San Fransisco to Vancouver?

Well, I was getting sick and tired of Rice A Roni and flaming homo liberals, and I’ve always wanted to go see some penguins and igloos in Canada, what better place to do that than Vancouver? And I’ve always loved steam, it really opens the pores.

Why did Frank call her every 15-20 minutes?

Because nothing says love like constant harassment followed by a restrainer order.

Why did Frank get in trouble at school?

Usually because the teachers wouldn’t shut up while I was trying to talk to someone. I don’t think sometimes that they realized just how important my conversations were.

Why did Frank have his original house painted yellow?

I have a secret lemon fetish. SHHHH, don’t tell anyone.

Why did Frank alter his birth date on his driver's license?

So I could date older women, why else?

Why did Frank get angry?

Because you asked me a stupid question. You better hope I don’t find you!!

Why did Frank hang out at La Guardia Airport rather than Kennedy Airport?

I won’t hang out at an airport with the same last name as a drunken fat idiot senator from Massachusetts.

Why did Frank act in the manner he did and not choose other more rational courses of action?

Rationality is boring. Irrational behavior is more exciting for everyone involved. Who wants to be predictable, certainly not me!

Why did Frank return to the scene of the crime?

Oh to relive the joy of breaking the law, why else?

Why did Frank just power barge me out the way just now?

Because you chose to get in my way. Next time don’t just stand there looking stupid.

Why did Frank tell this story if it was almost all untrue?

Because you were dumb enough to believe it.

Why did Frank kill himself?

It was all part of a conspiracy, a plot to make you think I was dead, collect the life insurance, and live happily ever after in the Bahamas drinking margaritas and surfing the internet while wearing khaki shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, and flip flops.

Why did Frank have to come back into our lives and upset Steve?

You know you missed me, so I came back. Wait, which one of you is Steve?

Why did Frank get Martian fever?

I didn’t think you needed to use protection when you are with a Martian, how was I to know??

Why did Frank behave like that?

You’ll have to be more specific. Which particular behavior trait are you wondering about? Was it when I punched you in the face? Banged on your front door at 2 in the morning? Slept with your daughter? All of the above?

Why did Frank become a deaf-mute?

It was part of my Helen Keller fetish, not one of my prouder moments.

Why did Frank buy welders glasses?

Hell, I thought they were just cool sunglasses, I didn’t know they were welder’s glasses until I wore them out while driving and found myself driving off the road in a corn field.

Why did Frank decide not to include Packard Goose on any of the 3 '88 CD's or on the YCDTOSA series?

Okay, is this an Japanimation question? You say Packard Goose and I’m thinking of a computer with feathers? I’m sure there was a good reason why I did whatever it was that you are saying I did, even if I don’t remember what it was that I did that you don’t agree with.

Why did Frank discover the alkaline battery?

I didn’t even know I did. Well, looks like I better call my lawyer. There are some royalties that I need to be suing for it would appear.

Why did Frank and his wife decide to learn to use email?

My wife and I knew how to use email before we ever even knew one another. We were part of the cave man age of internet use, mmkay?

Why did Frank have to make such a big deal about it?

What did I make a big deal about this time? I don’t ever make a big deal about anything. I mean honestly, when is the last time that I ever made a big deal out of something that didn’t really mean anything? Okay, I better shut up now.

Why did Frank decide to memorize the Encyclopedia?

You only think I memorized the Encyclopedia, but in fact, I’m just THAT smart. In fact, if you look at the inside cover of the Encyclopedia, you’ll see that I actually wrote it.

Why did Frank have a Plymouth Fury?

Oh, you even have to ask this question??? The Plymouth Fury was a sleeper of a car, commonly used as a police car, also in many movies (and in the Hill Street Blues television show) this car had many configurations. If I did own one, I would have a 440 in there, 365 horsepower, oh yes!!

Why did Frank steal John's Honda?

John should never have purchased that stupid Honda to begin with. I stole it to save him the indignity of driving such a pile of crap. If he wants it back, it’s at the bottom of the lake at the Weeping Water rock quarry, good luck!!

Current Lyrical Ramblings

I've been lookin' for a trace
Lookin' for a heart,
Lookin' for a lover in a world
That's much too dark

You're Crazy - Guns N' Roses