To Whom It May Concern

Push? Or Let?

Now honestly, do guys ever LET? I think not. There are very few places where we actually make an honest attempt to hold one in. I would say a church (usually) and maybe a first date (at least for the first half hour of that date or so) but anywhere else, hell it's full speed ahead blow it out of there!!

I can remember one time in which I let loose in a setting where I was trying my best to hold one in. This was during an Algebra II test in high school. Of course, by attempting to 'let' it ended up being louder and more drawn out that had I just pushed and gotten it over with. As the unwanted attention of the entire class was drawn in on my area, I of course turned to the guy right next to me, and gave him a disgusted and accusatory "GROSS!!" Sorry about that Paul Keller, wherever you are.

Really folks, guys know it can do irreparable harm to leave that explosive gas inside of us, so we push to get it out of there. Plus the ability to unleash a colossal backdoor blast is certainly part of an unwritten status quo amongst a group of guys who are hanging out. They don't even have to know one another all that well to respect when one of their own lets loose with a truly admirable wind breaker, and turn to say "Wow, dude, that was unbelievable!!".

There are two different but equally significant factors guys use to grade the quality of their bodily gaseous emissions. The first is the sound. The louder the volume, the longer the duration, the better you have done. There is no mistaking the quality of a truly noisy burst, nor can the person who let loose with one be misidentified in most cases. Not that we as men would ever let someone else claim a good one, as we will raise our hand with pride and shake our heads up and down "Yah baby, that was me!!!" and claim our backdoor marvels.

The second factor, of course, is the smell. This particular factor can be a bit more interesting. For most practical purposes, the most disturbingly foul cuts of cheese are those that are completely silent. This is particularly nice when you are in a crowded area, such as a loaded elevator or waiting in the reception area of a restaurant. There can certainly be no denying the satisfaction of hanging out with a group of friends, or lying in bed at night with your significant other, and letting loose with a gut wrenching, nose hair curling stench bomb.

But the ability to let your food say hello in such a disturbingly anonymous way while amongst others you do not know, well, that's some exquisite quality there!! Of course, you'll have another guy yelling "SOMEBODY BETTER CLAIM THAT! Oh my GOD, that is horrible, WOW, I would SURE as hell claim that if that was mine!! WOAH!!" And that statement of course tells you all you need to know about the unwritten code amongst men concerning the value of our most cherished bodily emission.