To Whom It May Concern

All Around The Turkey Breast Is Turkey (With Bits Of Wing, Thigh, Neck, Etc.)

I went to the store tonite, to purchase an extra pie shell, seems the pie my significant other was making had a LOT of filling to it. So while there, I decided to purchase a turkey breast, because I wasn't sure yet what we were doing for Thanksgiving dinner.

Now, I have never bought a turkey before, so as I walked down the Turkey Section (I will call it that, because for this time of year, the turkey has seemingly it's own section, the GobbleGobble Group, right next door to the ham, in the Porker Portion. I gave these sections there own names, because, well, they didn't have names yet). I realized as I looked around at the other bewildered men, all staring at the hundreds of types of turkeys, that I didn't know shit about fowl, and neither did they. I have never seen a more satisfied look on a meat worker's face than the guy going around to and from, person to person, explaining what was what to anyone who needed help. Never has one man donned in a bloody apron had so much power over so many at one time.

I found what I figured was the right thing, it did SAY turkey breast, and I brought it home. Of course, I get in the door and get it out and the laughing starts. I'm not sure if I did anything wrong, but the package stated something around the order of "Turkey Breast, including bits of thigh, chunks of wing, scraps of neck, etc." as though it was some Frankensteinish freak bird or something. I think I did pretty good myself, I bought the Turkey Breast PLUS version of turkey, I mean, who wants to settle for just the breast when you have all the makings for turkey nuggets too? Well, I suppose you need the turkey lips and buttcheeks for the nuggets, and I don't know if those are attached to the breast, probably not. Do turkeys even have buttcheeks? How do they sit down?

As you can see, my general lack of knowledge about turkeys doesn't stop with just the breast. God help me if I ever went on a date with a turkey. I would need a road map to get to first base. Wait, I have dated some turkeys. Well, figuratively speaking, that is*spits feathers out of mouth*. I think I'm going to just stick to the mashed potatos and stuffing tomorrow, that turkey business is downright confusing.