To Whom It May Concern

SERVICE?? ANYONE?????

When I go out to eat somewhere, I have a fairly reasonable expectation for the service the waiting staff should provide. When this service is substandard, or worse, downright deplorable, I tend to get aggravated rather quickly. This can include one or more of the following

Wipe down the tables AND the seats

Ah, what joy it is to sit down at a freshly cleaned table and put your hand into a glob of mustard, or worse, sit in it. How difficult is it for the person cleaning the table to also ensure that the seats are clean?

Make sure the appropriate table settings are in place

I wouldn't think I'd need to bring this up, but I've seen this twice in the last couple of months. We were at Village Inn, and I went to get some salt, and there was no salt shaker at the table. No big deal, someone might have stolen it right? So I went to another table, that's when I realized, there were no salt shakers, anywhere. And there were no pepper shakers. I brought this to the attention of my waitress, and I was told "Oh, we are cleaning all the salt and pepper shakers, they are in the dishwasher in back". Uhmmmm, what kind of completely retarded statement is THAT? I understand that at 11 at night there aren't many people out to eat, and it's a good time to clean things up, however, don't clean ALL your shakers at one time, that's really poor management, and foolish. Wash half then wash the other half when you've replaced the first half. I was offered 'salt in a spoon' if I wanted some salt. Yah, uh, no. This happened again, at Pizza Hut, just last week. I was going to put some parmesan cheese on my pizza and there were no shakers around. To their credit, at least Pizza Hut was able to bring some out for me.

If I order an appetizer, bring it well BEFORE the main entree

Typically I order an appetizer in situations where I'm hungrier than usual, so I'd like a little bit of food a little quicker to get me ready to eat. So why is it that several times in the last few months the waiting staff has brought our appetizers out literally within 60 seconds of bringing out the main course? Is it so I can bite thru 1/2 of an onion ring then have my steak and baked potato plate sitting all but on top of the appetizer plate? I swear, if this happens again I'm going to tell them to take the appetizer back and I won't pay for it.

If my drink is getting below 1/3, please make note of it and ask if I need another

Let's be honest here, this is the most important duty the wait staff has after bringing the food. I'm not power drinking my soda or tea, at least not usually, so once every 10 minutes or so, glance over at my table and see if my drink is getting empty, and if so, swing on by and offer a refill. It takes so little energy to do so, and let's face it, I can see your lazy ass joking around with the other wait staff up front. If you see my glass flying your way at a high rate of speed, you can about guess you waited too long. Yes, again Pizza Hut, I'm talking about you.

When you fill my drink, DO NOT TAKE THE ONE I AM DRINKING OUT OF.

This one is aimed directly at you, Chinese restaurant people. Just what in the fuck stupid thought enters your head to think you should take the glass I'm currently drinking out of? This happens at nearly every Chinese restaurant I eat at, and I'm guessing it's because the cheap ass penny pinching jackasses don't want to clean another glass, OH GOD a little bit of work is going to kill you. But just when I thought I'd seen the worst instances of this particularly irritating phenomenon, once again, Pizza Hut: The waitress asked if I'd like another drink, she takes mine, then sets it on the counter, 2 minutes later brings me a DIFFERENT glass. WTF? A full glass flying at the waitresses head this time? Don't be surprised if you see it.

Don't up and disappear for long periods of time

Not to sound like a broken record, but once again, Pizza Hut, sorry, I have to single you out here. A different Pizza Hut this time. I sat down with someone, ordered our food and drink. The waitress brought the drinks out, then the food, then I shit you not, for 45 minutes I never saw her again. After about 20 minutes I started getting pretty irritated. Finally when the 45 minutes came and went, I went up front and told one of the other workers that I'd like my ticket NOW, with angry emphasis on NOW so they would understand that I was not happy about waiting like that. We had no drink refills, no opportunity to order anything else, no one to ask if our food was okay. Pathetic. This is the only time that has ever happened this badly, but there have been other instances where no one showed for quite awhile. It's irritating, don't do it to people!

Don't make me sit with my thumb up my ass for you to bring out the check

Maybe I'm in the minority, but I'm not insulted if the waiter/waitress brings out the bill and my party is still eating, as long as it's reasonable, as in we are just about done eating or the majority of people at the table are done eating. What does get my ire up is when we've been sitting there for 5 or 10 minutes, and no one has touched their drinks or plates during that time, obviously thru eating, and you haven't brought out the bill. Ever wish you had a visual aid to show the waiting staff how quick their tip goes down while you sit and wait? I sure could use one, a digital one at that.

Don't give me lip, and above all, don't cop a fucking attitude

I tend to be a joker, borderline obnoxious at time when I go out to eat depending on what friends I'm out with. However, I'm not being insulting, we just like to have fun. That being said, if what we are doing is irritating you, well, sorry, but don't act like a stuffy bitch or prick, and don't cop an attitude. Be a real person, don't give me that fake laugh where you do it with every intention of making sure we know you are being a fake piece of shit. This is your job, you get paid to please me, so 'dance' dammit. All I'm asking is that you be nice, and don't fake it.

These simple steps I listed above are simply part of a person's job. If you work as part of a waiting staff at a restaurant of any kind, you should be obligated to know what to do and what NOT to do.

Belly chuckles when I get irritated about things like this, when we are out to eat. "You sound like my dad." Well, if my father in law expects decent service then yes he and I think alot alike. No one forces people to work at a restaurant, service should be priority number one. I don't go out of my way to be a jerk. I'm typically a good customer, as long as the waiting staff doesn't do any of what I listed above.