To Whom It May Concern

Keep The City Out Of The Country

I grew up on the farm. I can remember when I was about 7 years old, for years before and a few years after for that matter, you could go several hours and not see another car on the country road between my parents house and the actual farm itself. Slowly, inexoriably, that changed as time went by, to present day, when you see a car on average about every 5 minutes or so. That probably wouldn't be so bad, except that most of these vehicles belong to people moving from the city out into the country, and rather than drive around at a reasonable 40 to 50 mph, these freaks decide that the best course of action is a wreckless endangering 60 to 70 mph.

There is an old saying that goes as such: "you are either born on the country road, or you aren't". This means that either you grew up on country roads, and learned first to drive on gravel and then on the highway, or you learned to drive on paved roads and will forever be behind on the learning curve as far as driving in the country is concerned. Now, I know what people will say when they read this, about how "I've lived in the country now for the last 10 years and I know how to drive on country roads now." Well, I have seen people that moved out to the country even longer than 10 years and they still drive stupidly. Here are some of the more common errors city drivers make in the country...

1) Cresting the top of a hill directly in the middle of the road. About as stupid as a person can be as far as country driving goes. Proper technique for cresting a hill on a country road? Move as far to the right as you possibly can and expect a car from the other direction, even if you are sure there isn't one.

2) Not scooting over or slowing down when you meet another car on the road. Again, how stupid can you be??? Contrary to what you may think, the other car isn't scooting over and decreasing speed so you can remain in the center of the road at full speed. Why is this a big deal? Not only is it really rude, a fast moving car throws rocks onto the other car, an offense that will have me slashing your tires in the middle of the night. (I'm a farm boy, my night vision is better than yours : ) heh heh).

3) Driving 65 mph on gravel. This sort of ties in with number two, and also with your own safety. I myself have done a 720 in my car on gravel, and been lucky to have remained on the road. That's my car spinning twice around, and scary as hell. On pavement, rubber tires are great, they stick to the road nicely. On gravel, you are basically floating on the road because there is actually no real contact, the gravel works like mishapen ball bearings, and the faster you go, the more chance you have of becoming one with the ditch. Also, the faster you go, the more chance you have of throwing rocks onto my car coming from the opposite direction, and *shocked gasp* more chance of your tires being slashed by some "unknown bastard" in the middle of the night.

4) Expecting farm implements to stop so that you can go past If this is your idea of proper road practice? If so, i have three words for you, GO TO HELL!!! YOU are in the smaller vehicle, so guess what? You can either scoot over and slow down or you are going to meet my 20 ton tractor head on, and guess who wins that battle? Not you, bud. Actually, nothing makes me smile with more satisfaction than being passed by a rude bastard in a big old SUV waving around the one finger at me as he passes me or when he/she is forced to slow down as I drive normally in a tractor or combine or whatever. There is no reason to get all upset about this either, because there is something you need to realize... shoulders on country roads are very soft, and when you move a heavy piece of machinery onto the shoulder, there is a strong chance it will slide off into the ditch, a way higher chance than a lighter car or SUV will, so be sensible. If you see a tractor, slow your ass down and scoot on over.

Those are the most common ones I can think of at this time. It's more than just the way transplanted city people drive that is irritating though. It's this ignorant idea that you can have the wonderful country life and take out what you don't like about it. "Oh, the cows are so beautiful" the silly city person says, immediately followed by "What the hell is that ungodly smell???". That is the smell of money, actually, the smell of enterprise, the smell of milk production, beef or poultry or pork production too. it's the smell of how things have been done for 150 years or more, and just because you move here don't expect that to change. You are going to find that smell in the air from time to time, you are going to see shit on the roads too, you are going to have to slow your vehicle down when you see farm implements, etc, etc. It's amazing how much nicer the city person with the SUV is when their SUV is in the ditch on a really wintery icy day and you are driving by with a tractor that just happens to have a chain on it, because, invariably, a farmer is going to pull you out of the ditch, that's just the way farmers are. You have to take the bad with the good when you move into the country.

I haven't ever actually slashed anyone's tires, though so help me god, the thought has occured to me on occasion. That, or emptying all the oil out of someone's engine in the middle of the night and filling it back up with maple syrup. Your car never smelled so delicious as the engine seizing and being ruined in a sugary nightmare!!!