To Whom It May Concern

A Great Job Interview

There are certain key points to making a job interview into a great performance, here are some of them:

Wear the absolute dirtiest clothes you have, preferably ratty, with hole everywhere. Nothing impresses an interviewer more than someone who wears an outfit with no professional value at all. This will let them know that material things aren't important to you.

Show up at least an hour late for your interview, perhaps even a day late. This lets the interviewer know who is in charge, that you aren't going to submit to anyone else's wishes. It shows you are a 'take charge' type of person, companies like that these days.

Have several beers and some hard liquor before the interview. It will help take the edge off. The more alcohol the better. If you need to, take a bottle of liquor into the interview with you. Bring whiskey, and don't be afraid to share. Usually the interviewer will enjoy a drink with you, hey, he's stressed too you know.

Negotiate a hard bargain about absolutely every aspect of the job. Lunch is an hour long? "Come on, how about an hour and a half?" Salary only $70,000 a year? "You know I'm worth twice that, buddy!!" Let them know that you have negotiating skills, companies are looking for that in prospective employees.

Bring several friends to the interview. Have one carry a video camera, always pointed at the interviewer. Have another carry a cassette recorder, and another a briefcase. Tell them you are on an MTV reality show. Companies love publicity, especially from a quality network like MTV.

Tell the interviewer a list of amazing medical conditions from which you suffer. You are narcoleptic with tourette's syndrome, so while driving you suddenly fall asleep AND start yelling obscenities "HORSE PENIS HORSE PENIS, DICK LICKARENA!!!!". You have a narcissistic rage condition. You think highly of yourself, angrily. "GOD DAMN YOU ALL I AM SEXY, LOOK AT ME, YOU SONS OF BITCHES I AM THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME!!!" as you beat up your co workers. Remember, companies look to hire those with disabilities, it makes the company look better to the public.

Ask suspicious questions continually, throughout the interview. "So, can a person bring a gerbil to work with them, I mean, as long as it's hidden?" or "When you have drug tests, just how long does it takes something minor to get out of your system, like... let's say for instance... LSD or heroin?" or "I wouldn't run into any cops or law enforcement people while working here would I?" This keeps the interviewer guessing about you, it's good to be mysterious, the unknown is a little tapped resource in job hunting.

Make up completely ridiculous stories about previous work places. Talk about how you had sex with the bosses spouse, and about how much money you stole from petty cash. Spin a good yarn about how one time, you "borrowed" the company vehicle over the weekend and drove it to Tijuana, Mexico with 4 buddies and got completely drunk and lost the vehicle, then had to hitchhike back into the United States on a Tequiza beer delivery truck. Employers like to know that the person they are hiring can bring excitement to the work place.

One final key to a successful interview. Just as soon as it is over, shake the interviewer's hand, then run as fast as you can outside, jump into your car, and lay rubber thru the parking lot as you leave, cutting off any other driver who might get in your way. This lets the company know that you have other places to be, and also that you aren't afraid to do what it takes to show up to work on time. This is especially good when trying to get a job as a delivery driver.

Hopefully, you can have a successful interview with the points I have provided you with today.