To Whom It May Concern

Beef, Satan's Meat

I was recently doing one of those online tests. You know the ones I'm talking about, that can tell you everything from what actor you were in another life to what bird best represents you. Anyways, this one had to do with my health. Supposedly, this test was going to tell me my 'actual age' compared to my real age. So I was bee-bopping along, doing the questions, telling them how I exercise, how my family has a history of this or that, that my blood pressure is low compared to the average, when I came across this question. "How often do you eat red meat?"

Now, the question itself wasn't offensive in nature, it was the choice of answers that totally blew my mind. "(a) once a week, (b) once every two weeks, (c) once a month,
(d) fewer than once a month." What sort of idiot, tree eating moron comes up with a question like this? I eat red meat at least 4 times a week, usually in a moderate helpings. So does nearly everyone else I know. Are we in the midwest insane? Are our eating habits that of the extinct caveman, with all of us ready to follow him into the never to be seen again cave of doom? I can only imagine what sort of atrocious damage these so called 'experts' attribute to red meat and the horrific danger of eating it. I also exercise regularly, I do not smoke, and I don't drink all that often. I would say that my driving would be more dangerous to my health than my eating of red meat would ever be.

At least the authors of this particular test didn't attack beef outright like some people have done. Take Howard Lyman, director of the Humane Society's "Eating With Conscience" campaign. Lyman appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show in 1998 and attacked beef, making the most outrageous claims you could imagine about how bad eating beef is. Winfrey asked Lyman: "You say this disease could make AIDS look like the common cold?" "Absolutely," Lyman answered. Ms. Winfrey herself had sworn off eating both chicken and beef. "It has just stopped me cold from eating another burger," she said. How interesting, because time has told the truth, considering that to date, there have been 2 cases, count 'em, two cases of the so called "Mad Cow Disease" within the United States.

As far as "Mad Cow Disease" goes, the best that any expert was ever able to do was to link the use of dead animals in the feed of cattle to the disease itself. United States beef producers have not used dead animals in cattle feed since the 1960's. There is still a critical lack of hard evidence to suggest that Mad Cow was ever even a credible disease to begin with. Even in Great Britain, where the "epidemic" started, the death toll was around 110, far below what many scientists had estimated, some of the more insane estimates were nearing 150,000 deaths. Oprah Winfrey can quit eating burgers, that's fine with me, that just means more for me to eat. And as far as her eating habits, seems to me Winfrey has a lot more to worry about than simply cutting back on the red meat.

I have watched my father yo-yo up and down with his weight for as long as I can remember. He has gone from 170 lbs (looking gaunt and deathly, with horrible breath because his body wasn't getting what it needed nutrition wise) to 320 lbs, which obviously was not good at all. His unhealthy eating lifestyle had way more to do with his ridiculous intake of carbohydrates than it had anything to do with red meat. Of course, I'm not trying to say that no one should ever eat pasta or bread. The point I'd really like to get across is this: eating just about anything to excess is not good for you. But putting a huge bulk of the unhealthy American lifestyle on red meat is completely unfair. The simplest way to be healthy is to maintain a reasonable weight by 1) decreasing caloric intake, and 2) increasing your cardiovascular exercise. Less food,more activity, basically, in simplest terms.

I will be starting a "Plant Lover's United" organization to attack vegetarians around the world for killing and eating off our beloved green species, our oxygenating friends, being ingested for the pleasure of vegetarians everywhere. Sounds pretty ridiculous, far fetched? Well, that's how I consider anyone trying to take a flame broiled cheeseburger out of my hands to be too.